Loony Labyrinth
by Natalilly
Summary: [COMPLETE!] The Goblin King has gone insane, and Hoggle is on a mission to fetch the only two creatures in the world that can save him- the insanity Sprites. READ IT FOR GODSSAKE! ANYBODY!
1. Loony Labyrinth

**Loony Labyrinth**

A CO WRITTEN FIC

Note: This is a semi satirical piece, seriousness has been thrown right out the window, sensibility has been let run free in the back yard, and deep research has been exchanged for a handful of Labyrinth viewings (Just incase we forgot something from the thirty five million other viewings) another listen to the CD, and another look through the Goblin lovers companion. Sit back and enjoy the ride ;)

Dedication: This story was 'inspired' by the great many other Labyrinth fan fictions about, and the severe lack of anything remotely resembling humor, taste, intelligence, thought or talent therein, so we dedicate this fan fiction to all those talent less drones. Thank you, all you unimaginative people, for helping us gather inspiration for a project that has turned out to be quite enjoyable, for fueling something that has now snowballed into a monster with a mind of it's own, and for giving us someone to heap shit on.  

Warning: If you are a sensitive or easily offended person, are fond of the character Sarah, or anything like that you may not want to read this story. And if you are against homosexuality, other races, the Labyrinth or the band 'Queen' we may not want you reading this story. nIm 

Disclaimer: Sarah, Hoggle, Jareth etc…are not our characters, just in case you were fooled into thinking that they were, in which case, you really shouldn't be here at all. They all belong to…who ever. Fizzy Cream and Sour Peppercorn are our characters, and the pictures belong to the talented hand of Sour Peppercorn, so don't go pinchin' them! Any resemblance to any persons, living or dead ISN'T OUR FAULT; go blame George Lucas, And Jim Henson (Bit hard, due to him being dead and all…)

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Enough of that crap… Story time! 

 It was a gorgeous day at the insane asylum, and most of the non-tree eating patients were outside enjoying the sunshine. Sarah, however, was not enjoying any part of the day. She wandered the broad, green lawns, moping about her situation. 

'I wish' she moaned, 'I wish I'd never even heard of the damn Labyrinth. I should have burned that book the moment I bought it.' The thought of never having bought the book in the first place never ventured into the airtight space of her mind. 'I should never have played with Jareth and his balls. But I did and no one believed me, not a single person.' she whined. Sarah had been sinking deeper and deeper into her personal pool of melancholy. Her descent had been accelerated by Hoggle's lack of response to her calls, and it had been months since his last visit. 'OH Hoggle, please if you can hear me. I need to talk to someone! PLEASE answer me!' She wailed.

'I'm really sorry Sarah.' A familiar, gravelly voice spoke to her. She whirled around and scooped the dwarf up into a tight hug.

'Breathe! Sarah I need to breathe!' He stuttered out urgently. She dropped him to the ground, apologizing profusely.

'Where have you been?!' She asked giddily. He opened her mouth to reply but something had distracted her attention. He followed her gaze across the lawn to two patients seated on worn, wooden benches beneath a large oak. The patients were acting oddly, but that was not what drew Sarah's scant attention towards them. 

A brightly coloured creature sat on each of the patients' shoulders; both of who were dressed in a bizarre costume and were laughing hysterically, and were no more then half a foot tall. 

'OK, ok.' Said one, recovering from her fit of laughter. 'On the count of three, we start our engines. One…two…THREE!' 

On the word three, both creatures lent forward and bit the ear of their respective patients, the patients leapt from their seats making a bizarre whirring noise, before sticking their nose to the ground and running forward with a squeal; not unlike that of a pig. 

The two creatures burst out laughing, leaping off the patient's shoulders, and slapping each other on the back and stamping their feet with glee.

'That's horrible!' Cried Sarah, running forward towards the creatures. Hoggle grabbed her by the wrist. 

'Sarah…I wouldn't…' 

The creatures looked up at the approaching human girl with interest, but then their eyes flicked to her dwarf companion.

'HOGGLE! MATE!!!' They greeted him loudly, bounding towards him, their fox-like tails flicking, and their fingers spread like talons. Hoggle covered his groin and chest hurriedly.

'No! No squirrel grips or nipple cripples today, please. I'm on some important business.' He told them sternly. This information seemed to amuse them, and they fell about laughing again. 

Sarah shivered, there was something unsettling about the pair, the smiles, the laughs, they all had an eerie feeling about them.

'What's so funny?' Sarah said, pouting. Hoggle watched with disgust as the creatures rolled about on the grass. 

'These are insanity sprites, another two of Jareth's servants.' Hoggle explained with scarcely veiled contempt, and a dismissive wave.

'We also dabble in chaos.' one of them said modestly, sitting up. Sarah noticed that the two were almost exactly the same in physical appearance and costume, in fact, almost mirror images, but almost total opposites of each other colour wise. The one who had just spoken seemed to orient her appearance around reds, oranges and yellows. The other, who seemed to prefer blues, purples and greens, stood up and looked her squarely in the eye.

'Sour Peppercorn, disgusted and repulsed to meet you.' She said with a curtsy.

'Fizzy Cream,' said the other as she brushed grass from her clothes, 'Also disgusted and mildly alarmed that someone like you can exist.' She said bowing elegantly.

'But…but I though sprites were supposed to be nice, and dance around on mushrooms or something.' Sarah protested. She withdrew slightly as the two sprites looked at each other and grinned wickedly. 

'We can do that too.' Fizzy Cream said, casually running her hand over teeth marks in the oak's trunk. A silver flute-like instrument appeared in Sour Peppercorn's slim fingers, and she began playing a slightly discordant tune as Fizzy Cream waved her hand, and produced a large, red and white toadstool. Fizzy Cream leapt cheerfully up onto the toadstool and began to dance. The lawn filled with bizarre noises, Sarah screamed as one of the patients ran around her yapping like a dog, while another took Hoggle's photo with a paperclip. 

'Stop it!' She cried, 'this isn't fair! You're music is hurting them!' The illusions vanished and the two sprites frowned at her as the mad activity died down. 

'Doesn't hurt them…except if we want it to…' Sour Peppercorn told her. The sprite then turned to the nearest patient. 'Lime green flares!' Her victim ran headlong into a large elm tree, crashing into it with a wood-splitting thud.

                'Stop!' Sarah screamed.

'See??' The sprite pointed out. 

'And besides…not only is it funny, but it saves the hospital expensive brain surgery too' declared Fizzy Cream.

'That's horrible.' Sarah told them firmly.

'No.' Fizzy Cream corrected, 'That's Hoggle.' She finished, pointing at the dwarf. Sarah turned to Hoggle.

'Do you know them?' She asked huffily.

'Well…  yes. That's why I'm 'ere.' Hoggle muttered, avoiding her gaze.

'Good! Get rid of these pests!' She said firmly. Hoggle scuffed his foot on the grass.

'I ain't supposed ta do that… I'm here for their… help….'

'WHAT?' Sarah cried, disappointment rushing over her. Hoggle cringed again. 

'Now, don't get yer knickers in a twist. There's a reason.' He paused to take a breath. 'The King, Jareth has gone insane.' He told them in a hushed voice.

Sarah looked to her feet, not knowing what to say. The two sprites, however, let out a whoop of joy. Fizzy Cream hugged Sour Peppercorn, leaning heavily on her shoulder, and dabbed at her eyes with her sister's sleeve. 

'I _knew_ this day would come, but now it has…I…I just don't know what to say.' She said, overwhelmed with pride. 

'This is the proudest day of my life!' Sour Peppercorn replied, after blowing her nose with a loud honking sound that caused several of the patients to sing, 'I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas' in a falsetto voice 

Hoggle glared at them.

'The insanity is spreading though the whole Labyrinth.' He told them angrily. Sour Peppercorn clutched at her sister's arm. 'Did you hear that?!' She exclaimed dreamily. 

Hoggle shook his head. 'I knew you'd react like this, and I guess, so did Jareth.' He said, pulling a letter from his pocket. 

Fizzy Cream snatched it from him and torn it open. She stared at the letter blankly. Sour Peppercorn sighed heavily and took the letter from her sister, turned it the right way up and handed it back to her, before they both broke into fits of laughter. 

'What does it say?' Sarah prompted. Sour Peppercorn lent over her sister's shoulder and cleared her throat. When she spoke it was with Jareth's voice.

Dear girls,

I believe I have caused an avalanche of problems. I can't say much right now, as things are getting worse by the minute. But I need your expertise, return to the castle immediately. Oh…and a chocolate puff would be nice…brown kippers are always best in summer, so take the north root to Alice Springs. Don't puddles eat, they'll bite your head from your feet.

Squeegee corn beef,

King Honk mess

The sprites were in hysterics by the last line, they fell to the ground, the laughter weakening their legs.

'As you can see.' A grim Hoggle pointed out, 'The insanity sets in quickly, so we must leave as soon as possible.'   The sprites sat up, suddenly cured from their fits of laughter.

'You're not going to fix him are you?' Fizzy Cream asked sadly.

'We have to!' Sarah told her, 'He ordered you to help too.'

                'Well, that's not going to happen, we like him better this way.' Sour Peppercorn told her coldly. 'And besides, he doesn't actually say he wants the problem fixed, does he? Just that he wants us to go and provide him with our…. specialist expertise, you might say.'  Hoggle groaned. 

'I thought you'd say that, so I brought one of His Majesty's more recent decrees.' He said, handing them another scroll.

Sour Peppercorn read it aloud again.

All little folk; including fairies, pixies and sprites, are hereby required to behave according to the rules set out in the 'happy-wonder-lovely-little-people-guild' requirements. Any activity promoting any discomfort or illness of physical, mental or social aspects of another being's well being is to be ceased at once. All little folk are required to attend nightly dances and happy dream making classes. Cloud decorating classes will be held at dawn every second day.

Signed by Fragmoth the Slimy, by the direct order of His Royal Highness, King Jareth.

'How wonderful!' Sarah squealed, clapping her hands. The sprites glared at her.

'This is horrific.'

'He must be stopped.' They said. Hoggle nodded. 

'Well let's go.'

'Wait!' Sarah ordered. 'I'm coming to.'  Hoggle turned to face her.

'You can't go. T' enter th' Labyrinth you have to wish someone away.' He explained.

'Well.' Sarah said, thinking as hard as her brain would allow. 'I could wish Toby away again. He's six now, I'm sure he'd love a holiday.'  The sprites groaned and rolled their eyes.

'Holiday? Oh, no. Sarah this is chaos.' Hoggle explained, ignoring the yip from the sprites at the mention of chaos. 

'Well I'll ask him.' She said, skipping away to the nurses' office, and more importantly towards a phone. Hoggle waited uncomfortably, shifting from one foot to the other. The sprites were apparently arguing about the race of the mental patients that they had started before:

'No, no, no! Mine glued his nose to the wall, that counts as a false start.'   
'It does not! The wall is 20 metres away from here, that's not a false start, now had he caught a butterfly in his teeth…'   
'I can't see the difference.' 

                Sarah bounded up to them like a happy puppy. 'He said it's OK, as long as I buy him a toy truck when it's over.' She squealed excitedly.

'Gullible child.' Sour Peppercorn muttered, 'Must be hereditary', Fizzy Cream nodded an agreement, but was busy attempting to tie Sarah's shoelaces together, before Hoggle shooed her away. 

'OK, then.' Sarah said, eager to start. 'I wish the goblins would come and take Toby away right now!' she looked around nervously, only to see a great big nothing. She sighed, discouraged. She didn't notice a little goblin appear, but she jumped a mile when he cleared his throat loudly, and unrolled a large piece of paper.

'FRAGMOTH! MAAAAATE!' The sprites cried, bolting towards the goblin, their hands outstretched to grab the poor goblin by the groin.

'SQUIRRIL GRIP!' They cheered, as the goblin doubled over in pain. Sour Peppercorn grabbed the scroll and read hurriedly, grinning. 

'You're in…let's go!'


	2. Decent into Lunacy

**Decent into Lunacy**

Part two, redone and re added, I'm putting part three with it… Not that anyone's gunna read it.

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The gates to the Labyrinth loomed ahead of them, and for, a moment Sarah seemed to back away. But she quickly followed the sprites up to the towering wooden doors. 

'How do we open them?' She asked the sprites.

'Open them? Why would you need to do that?' Sour Peppercorn asked.

'You can just walk though them.' Fizzy Cream added.

'But I…' Sarah protested. Sour Peppercorn cut her off.

'This is the Labyrinth, nothing is what it seems, dimwit' Sour Peppercorn said, her voice coloured by a slightly darker tone.

Sarah shrugged, the doors seemed very solid, but after all, the sprites were right. She steeled her nerves and walked confidently, and literally, into the doors. The sprites burst out laughing.

'You lied to me!' She cried, rubbing her forehead. The sprites feigned shock.

'We _DID_?' Sour Peppercorn asked sarcastically.

'_US_? You accuse us of LYING?' Fizzy Cream looked hurt, collapsing melodramatically into her sister's arms, sobbing. Sour Peppercorn looked from the sobbing Fizzy Cream to a confused Sarah.

'Now look what you did!' She accused. Fizzy Cream's sobs turned into fits of laughter. Sour Peppercorn looked at her again, shrugged, and let her drop to the ground. Fizzy Cream landed. Hard. 

'HEY!' She yelled, flying back up towards Sour Peppercorn her fists clenched, but when their eyes met, both broke into hysterics.

Hoggle shook his head. 'Don't worry none about them, Sarah. That's just sprites for ya. They find the most childish things funny. Don't let 'em get to ya.'  Hoggle turned around to find Sour Peppercorn and Fizzy Cream standing behind him, chanting in a singsong voice 

'Nyeh Nyeh-nyeh nye nyeh! Don't worry about them Sarah. My name is Hoggle.  And I smell funny!' Hoggle cleared his throat and both Sour Peppercorn and Fizzy Cream stopped impersonating Hoggle and started whistling innocently.  He turned to grab for them, but the darted out of his way, giggling madly. Sarah nodded towards Hoggle as Fizzy Cream started to hover up behind him, ready to bounce a bright yellow ball off his head. Hoggle swore and spun around, grabbing for the sprite's leg, or throat- which ever came to him first, but Fizzy Cream just giggled and flew out of his reach. Hoggle cursed. 

'Let's get moving. The sooner we're rid of them the better.' Hoggle opened the gates with a gesture. Sarah stopped.

'Which way should we go?' She asked the dwarf. The sprites looked thoughtful, and then flew to rest on her shoulders.

'Left.' Fizzy Cream urged.

'Right.' Sour Peppercorn demanded.

'Left!'

'Right!'

'Left!'

'Right!'

'Stop it!' Sarah whined. Both the sprites stopped, and for a minute there was silence. Then Fizzy Cream lent forward to her sister. 

'Is left right?' She asked innocently.

'NO! Right is right!' Sour Peppercorn said helpfully.

'SO if we left left, then right would still be right, but we'd have left left?' Fizzy Cream asked.

'Yeah, but if we left right, then we'd be wrong, or maybe right. What about if we left right?' Sour Peppercorn asked.

'Left right is right, so LEFT RIGHT IT IS!' Fizzy Cream declared, and the two sprites shook hands enthusiastically and grinned as Sarah buried her face in her hands. 

'This is hopeless!' Sarah cried. 'We're not getting anywhere!'  

Hoggle sighed as he swiped at the sprites with a stubby hand. 'If you keep listening t' them you'll end up like Jareth. Just pick a way.' Sarah looked up, determined. 

'Then we'll go right.' She said firmly. The Sprites looked at each other.

'Right?' Sour Peppercorn asked, in faint surprise. Fizzy Cream shook her head.

'What?' Sarah asked, apprehensively. The sprites simply looked at each other, eyebrows raised.

'Nothing….' Fizzy Cream drawled.

'No, nothing at all…. It's just that… never mind…' her sister added hesitantly.

'What? What's wrong with right?!' Sarah demanded. 

'Don't mind them. They're just trying to mess with ya. They COULD be more supportive…' He glared at the pair, both of whom were staring at him in mock innocence. 'Never mind. Right it is.' 

As Sarah marched down the narrow pathway, she gained a certain confidence, of which had been shaken by the sprites banter. Further and further, it was almost as if her feet confidently knew the path ahead, that every pitted stone somehow felt familiar, until they, along with her legs, ended up kicking around in mid air. Hoggle grunted irritably and went to help Sarah to her feet.

'Don't worry dear, that branch tripped you up, we'll be your lawyers and sue him for every damn leaf it's got.' Fizzy Cream called out to the fallen girl. Hoggle glared at her. 'What? I'm being supportive aren't I?' She said, pouting. 

'Which is not easy with _such_ a clumsy clientele.' Sour Peppercorn muttered, sending both of them into gales of laughter, from which Sour Peppercorn recovered first, grabbing Fizzy Cream by the arm. 

'Do you see what I see?' Sour Peppercorn said, gesturing towards the human girl on her hands and knees with a wicked grin. Fizzy Cream's grin grew sly. 

'Battering ram!' They shouted in unison, moving quickly forward towards their target in leaps and tumbles. Hoggle looked up just in time to see them coming, and grabbed them by the legs. 

'No! I don't wanta go looking for some girl who's been battered across the other side of the labyrinth. So just…' he paused, looking irritably at the two, who were hanging like bats from his hands.

'Hey Hoggsy.' Fizzy Cream started,

'You have unsightly nose hair.' Sour Peppercorn finished for her. Hoggle flung them to one side, and followed Sarah as she continued her trek. The sprites followed quietly, until Sarah stopped. 

'This is about where the worm was, so the invisible passage way would be about…. Here!' She declared, walking into the wall. The sprites collapsed into fits of laughter. 

'This is great!' Fizzy Cream declared.

'And we didn't even have to say anything.'  Sour Peppercorn added.  Hoggle silenced them with a glare. Although, secretly he was dumbfounded by Sarah's stupidity. 

He lent to offer her a hand up, but instead Sarah herself burst out laughing. Hoggle looked confused, but turned around, following Sarah's eyes. The sprites folded their arms and began looking around nervously, and whistling off key.

'BAH!' Hoggle grunted, dismissing their antics with a wave. Sarah had pulled herself to her feet and had found the real hidden pathway, and walked confidently down one way.

'NO!' The sprites cried, flinging themselves into flight in the hurry to stop her.  Sarah stopped.

'What?'  
'Don't go that way!' They spluttered. Sarah smiled knowingly. 

'You're tricking me again! The worm said not to go the other way last time.' She said happily, walking ahead down her chosen route. The sprites watched her go, blank looks on their faces. They glanced at each other before hurrying after her.

'Didn't you think to ask why?' Sour Peppercorn demanded to know.

'No.' Sarah replied. Both sprites shook their heads. 

'OK,' Fizzy Cream began, talking slowly. 'If someone says 'Don't push that jolly, candy-like button!' what do you say?' Sarah thought for a moment. 

'I'd say. 'OK'.' 

The sprites groaned. 

'You don't ask why?'  
'No.' Sarah replied, turning another corner.

The sisters were at the end of their rope. 'THE OTHER WAY LED STRAIGHT TO THE CASTLE!' They yelled. Sarah turned to face them. 

'Well why didn't you tell me!' She yelled hurrying back the way she came. The sprites sighed and rolled their eyes upwards, before hurrying after her.

'You can't go back, it's probably changed by now.' Sour Peppercorn yelled after the human girl.  Sarah shrugged.           

 'So we'll keep going this way…it's a piece of…' The sprites leapt onto Sarah gagging her with and apple.

'Don't say that! Don't ever _ever_ say that!!!' They scolded her. Sarah pulled the apple out of her mouth.

'Good thing you took that thing out.' Sour Peppercorn said thoughtfully.

'You looked like a roast pig.' Fizzy Cream giggled. 

'A definite improvement' Sour Peppercorn added

'Indubitably' replied Fizzy Cream with a strange English accent.

Hoggle led the way, as Sarah was beginning to feel useless. She kicked at a stone, sending it scuttling across the path. A familiar voice jerked her from her thoughts. 

'Perhaps you should try one of these doors, one of 'em lead to the castle at the centre of th' labyrinth and the other one leads to…'  
'BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM'

'Certain death.'  
'Oooooooooooooo.'

Sarah looked up to see the rather peculiar door guards she had met in her last trip though the labyrinth. Hoggle muttered curses under his breath. One of the guards looked up.

'You'll have to ask a question.'

'But you can only ask one of us.' Input another.

'Aah…but one of us always tells the truth and one of always lies.' A third and forth one said. The sprites grinned at each other.

'We'll take up that challenge.' Sour Peppercorn said, still grinning.

Fizzy Cream flew up to one of them. 'If I asked you if the door you stand in front of were flown into by a eagle then eaten by King Jareth himself and only one crumb remained uneaten, would its number be 6?' She asked.

The guards ducked behind their shields, whispering words Sarah couldn't quite make out. 

One of them finally emerged and cleared his throat. 'Oh, ah…No.' 

Fizzy Cream turned to Sour Peppercorn. 

'So, that's the eagle multiplied by the number of tiles on the kitchen floor, minus 'h'.' Sour Peppercorn grinned and together they turned and pointed to the door on the right. 

'That one!' They declared.

Sarah looked at them, horrified.  'What kind of logic is that?!' She exclaimed.

'Simple Labyrinthine mathematics.' Fizzy Cream replied. 

'Even Hoggle could work it out.' Sour Peppercorn added.

Sarah shrugged nonchalantly.  'Well I figured it out last time, and it was the same door so you must be right.' She declared, pushing open the door and walking though.  'See? This is a piece of cake.' She realized what she had said, and cringed waiting to fall though the ground. She opened her eyes and smiled.  'I guess I'm not even going to fall down the holeeeeeeeeeee...' She cried out as the, ground fell from beneath her feet.  Hoggle sighed, walked though the doorway and jumped down after her. The sprites looked at the oubliette, then at each other, sighed, then darted down after them. 

'Down!' Cried Sour Peppercorn as the darted though untouched by the green hands lining the wall. And the helping hands dropped Sarah and Hoggle. 

'Sheee saidddd Dowwnnn!' The hands chimed in happily.

'No! UP! UP!' yelled Sarah, grasping for one of the hands to hold her up. But to no avail. The plunged though, into the oubliette, landing painfully. The sprites, however, fluttered down slowly. Returning grumpy glares with innocent grins tinged with insanity. Hoggle pulled himself to his feet, muttering curses to the small sprites. 

'That was really horrible.' Sarah informed them.

'Not horrible, Hoggle!' Fizzy Cream corrected again, pointing to the aggravated dwarf. 

'Cut it out.' Hoggle ordered, shuffling over to the wooden door that lay on the ground.

'From here on in things may start to get a bit insane. The closer we get to the castle, the worse it is.' Hoggle explained, pushing the door into its place in the wall. The sprites cheered at the promise of insanity and chaos. Hoggle glared at them yet again and pulled open the door. The sprites' cheers turned to jeers as the dwarf was assaulted by the janitor's cupboard. Sour Peppercorn turned to Fizzy Cream, but kept her eyes glued to the pots, brooms and buckets that had fallen from the closet. 

'I think we should 'prepare' for the worst.' She suggested, raising an eyebrow. 

Fizzy Cream caught onto the idea. 'Armor might be needed.' She agreed. They smiled wickedly and dived into the pile of junk, dashing back and forward from Hoggle or Sarah to the Junk pile. Eventually they rested to admire their handy work. 

Sarah pushed a bucket/helmet off of her head.

'Why did you do that?' She demanded to know. 

'Improves your looks, sweetie' Sour Peppercorn said in a camp voice.

 Hoggle waved his broom/sword at the sprites.

'Protection!' Fizzy Cream declared, blocking the attacking broom with a priceless antique vase, Hoggle saw what she was wielding and tried to hold back the blow, but it was too late, the vase went crashing to the ground. He looked up at the sprite, of who was smiling at him.

'Gonna tell papa you broke his family vase.' She sing-songed at him.

'I…I didn't.' Hoggle stuttered.

'Did too!…sister?' Fizzy Cream consulted her sister.

'Guilty until proven guilty.' Sour Peppercorn chimed in.

Hoggle puffed out his chest.

'You ain't tellin' Jareth nothin' if we don't get to the castle soon.' He declared, shedding his armor with a few irritated kicks.

'Wait…Jareth's your father?' Sarah asked weakly. Hoggle snorted with disgust as he readjusted the door.

The sprites regarded her disdainfully. 

'But that means…' She began.

'They ain't his real children, they're born of his CRYSTAL balls… not his... well… other ones…' Hoggle informed her uncomfortably.

The sprites' eyes narrowed and their hands clenched into fists as they stomped towards the dwarf. Hoggle looked nervously from sprite to sprite. 

'Now, don't you guys go getting' crazy like…we have a …  job to do.' He stuttered. Sour Peppercorn considered him carefully.

'Squirrel grip!' She cried suddenly and grabbed the dwarf by the groin. Fizzy Cream said nothing but stuck her hand in Hoggle's ear, feeling around his brain.

'Got it!' She cried, as Hoggle started to hit himself in the face. 'REFLEX!' She cheered happily.

'STOP IT!' Sarah cried, gesturing helplessly. 

'OK, OK. You're legitimate like…Jareth's your dad.' Hoggle screamed out. The sprite smiled, satisfied, and backed away. Hoggle frowned and rubbed his crotch and forehead.

Sarah looked dismayed.

'How can you do such a thing to another living creature?' She asked.

'Quite simple really.' Sour Peppercorn said. 'Like you.'

'Would you like us to demonstrate?' Fizzy Cream offered, advancing on the human. Hoggle grabbed the two sprites by the tails and shoved them though the door into the corridors beyond.


	3. ROW ROW ROW YOUR BOAT!

**ROW ROW ROW YOUR BOAT!**
    
    I don't know why I'm bothering… no one seem to read this anyway *sighs mournfully* No reviews! And when I had it up in one piece, there was like, two reviews or something.. All Roz and my hard work for nothing *sniff*
    
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    The corridor was relaxingly damp and dank, a pleasant break from the harsh insanity of the Sprites. Sarah commented on this, but Hoggle just shook his head sadly.
    
                        'It gets worse the closer we get to the castle… I'm afraid we haven't seen the least of it yet…'
    
                        As if that comment sparked it off, a voice echoed from right beside them, rumbling in a deep bass.
    
                        'Row, row, row your boat…'
    
                        They swung around, startled. A huge, stony face was caved into the living rock of the wall, and the voice echoed from it. Further ahead, another voice began, as the first voice swung into the second verse.
    
                        'What's going on?!' Sarah squealed, wheeling around like a drunken acrobat, trying to look, as more and more voices joined the first two in counter harmonies. The Sprites collapsed, giggling uncontrollably.
    
                        'The King's work, I'm afraid…' Hoggle growled. 'The madness is getting worse…' They broke into a run, clearing the corridor of singing stones, and ran into a long, smooth tunnel, that could have once been part of an aqueduct.
    
                        'I remember this- this is where Jareth unloosed the cleaner on us last time! Oh Hoggle, were still on track!' She hugged the dwarf. Fizzy Cream wrinkled her nose, and Sour Peppercorn made a gagging noise.
    
                        'Oh Hoggle- we're still on track!' Fizzy Cream flattened her hair, and opened her eyes vapidly, assuming a high-pitched, whiny voice. Sour Peppercorn giggled uncontrollably. However, a deep, rumbling noise, drowned her giggles out slowly. Hoggle's eyes went wide, and he made a slight whimpering noise. Sarah squeaked, and the Sprites looked up sharply, no longer laughing.
    
                        'Is that the… the…' Sarah whispered, choking on the last word.
    
                        'Cleaner' Fizzy Cream hissed. With a brief glance at each other, they bolted down the corridor. A barred gate stood in the way, and a stout door to their side. Sarah began to scream as the noise became louder.
    
                        'Didn't this get knocked down last time?' She threw herself at the door.
    
                        'They get repaired every two weeks.' Hoggle shouted, throwing himself beside her. The door didn't even budge. Sour Peppercorn increased her size, so that her head touched the ceiling, and threw her weight beside them, Fizzy Cream followed suit. The rumbles were almost deafening, and there was fear in all eyes. The cleaner was upon them. The Sprites shrunk back to their normal size, and curled themselves into tiny, trembling balls, wrapping their fluffy tails about themselves, Sarah screamed louder, and Hoggle tuned to face death. And froze in disbelief. 
    
                        A rat trundled down the center of the tunnel; an orange strapped to it's back. Close behind, a goblin held a ghetto blaster twice his size over his head, a loud rumbling noise emitted from the speakers. Sarah opened her eyes, and the Sprites looked up, as the sounded passed them. The goblin looked impassively at them.
    
                        'Beware of the Cleaner!' He shouted over the din, and continued down the corridor, unlocking the gate to get through, while the rat ran between the bars.
    
                        'That- that…. What is going on?!' Sarah screamed in a small hissy fit. Hoggle opened his mouth to explain, but the Sprites had already flashed into action.
    
                        Sour Peppercorn, half her hair in its normal boofy shape, the other half, limp, had tucked her tail into the front of her tights, creating a huge bulge. She stood authoritively in front of Fizzy Cream, who hunched over, her face twisted grotesquely.
    
                        'But Your Majesty…' Fizzy Cream whined. Sour Peppercorn drew herself taller, and pointed at her sister with an accusing finger.
    
                        'You dare defy me? I said the Cleaners you use now are not efficient enough, now do as I have said!!!' She then loped away a bit, cackling insanely. Fizzy Cream continued the charade.
    
                        'Whatever his Majesty demands. Ratty, where are you? The King has a job for you. Oh Ratty??' Both Sprites giggled, and Hoggle glared at them.
    
                        'Sprites' He spat the word like a curse. Sarah also looked a little shocked.
    
                        'Well, are we going to just sit here while the King continues spreading joy? Come on!' Sour Peppercorn snapped, suddenly behind them. The door was gone, and the gaping passage lead to the ladder beyond.
    
                        'Where… Never mind.' Sarah sighed.
    
                        'Now that's inventive.' Fizzy Cream complimented, looking up at the pot, which they had just fallen out of. It hovered upside down in mid air. 'I'll have to remember that…' Beside it, a rope descended from somewhere high above. So high, the top of the rope was not visible. Hoggle stared at it as if it were a snake. Sarah however, gingerly began to climb.
    
                        'Sarah!' Hoggle gave a strangled shout. Sarah looked down at him.
    
                        'You never know Hoggle. Things aren't always what they seem in this place.' She climbed higher. Hoggle groaned and began after her, followed by the Sprites, who skittered up with the agility of squirrels.
    
                        Sarah stopped, and the Sprites leapt onto her shoulders.
    
                        'What's going on?' Sour Peppercorn asked. Sarah looked chagrined at the top of the rope. A stone hand held it in place, a hand that floated with no means of support whatsoever. 'Go on. Grab it, I dare you!' The Sprite urged. Her sister twittered an agreement. Sarah shrugged.
    
                        'Why not?' She gingerly plucked the hand from its perch, turning it over and over, while the rope still remained steady. 'It's just a chunk off rock…' She placed it back where it had been. It fell like the chunk of rock it was, taking the rope with it.
    
                        They landed in a pile. Hoggle sat up, dusting himself off.
    
                        'Don't say I didn't warn you!' He snapped. Fizzy Cream turned to her sister.
    
                        'Wait for it….'
    
                        There was a whistling sound, and the stone fist, rope and all landed squarely on the dwarf's head. The Sprites collapsed in helpless glee.
    
                        Sarah had begun to wander around, looking. The land had changed. With a start, she realized she had been here before. Two wooden doors stood in an overgrown wall, with large, brass doorknockers.
    
                        'Look!' Sour Peppercorn yelped, between giggles, 'A pair of knockers!' The two creatures collapsed again, laughing fits redoubled 
    
                        'Yeah, they're the first we've seen in a long time!' Fizzy Cream retorted, looking in the direction of Sarah's chest.
    
                        'But they have no knobs!' Sour Peppercorn added, in a gasp. That did it. Neither Sprite seemed able to move, let alone stand. Sarah glared at them, while Hoggle tried to contain his laughter. 
    
                        'So Sarah, what do we do?' Hoggle asked her politely, sparing an irritated glare at the hysterical Sprites, still rolling on the ground, tears running from their eyes.
    
                        'Knock, and the door shall open…' She recited. With a firm hand, she took the ring of the right hand door, the knocker who held it in his mouth, and slammed it. The door creaked open. With a squeak and a skittering movement, the Sprites followed, suddenly over their giggles, as quickly as they had rendered them immobile.


	4. Of Beatles

**Of  Beatles, Cannibals and Costumes…**
    
    The forest beyond the door was dank and dark. Sarah made a face. 'Everyone, hold onto me. I don't want to get split up…'
    
                        Suddenly, in front of them, something burst out of the ground, causing leaves to shower everywhere.
    
                        'Firey!' Hoggle shouted, but as the leaves began to settle again, they saw they were mistaken.
    
                        A large, blue, furry thing stared at them, it's single eye wide. Colours shifted across the surface of the eye, like the rainbow hue of an oil slick. Hoggle stood in front of the ladies, arms outstretched. The thing considered him for a second, then it's face split into a broad grin, twice the size of it's own head.
    
                        The Sprites began to snicker. In response to that sudden noise, the thing fell on one side, and began to hoot like a hyena, sending the Sprites into their now familiar fits of laughter. At that noise, the thing leapt into the air, and made a sound akin to a foghorn, then disappeared.
    
                        'Hoggle….' Sarah asked, her voice on the very edge of hysteria. Hoggle let his arms drop, eyes wild.
    
                        'We're getting closer to the castle' He answered simply.
    
                        Onward they trudged, Hoggle frowning and muttering to himself. Finally driven to curiosity, Sour Peppercorn leapt up onto a branch overhead. Sarah squealed, leaping back, frightened by her sudden movement.
    
                        'I don't get it.' The Sprite said, frowning. 'Where are the Fireys? They always harass travelers in their territory.' Fizzy Cream leapt up beside her.
    
                        'You're right. Where are they?'
    
                        'Who cares? They're not here, so let's get a move on!' Hoggle snapped. Suddenly, Sour Peppercorn pointed into the bushes, a grin twitching the corner of her mouth. 'Now I know why we didn't see them before…' She began to laugh, and Fizzy Cream grinned.
    
                        'You'd better come out, we know you're there…' She intoned after her sister.
    
    Reluctantly, the bush gave a slight twitch, and a Firey crept out, eyes downcast.
    
                        'Are you two crazy?!' Hoggle yelped, ignoring the obvious answer, 'We could have gotten away before…' His berating was cut off as he looked at the mournful creature. It was clad in a mauve tutu, and a frilly yellow bonnet adorned its head. 'Don't tell me. The King…' his voice sounded slightly sick. The Firey just nodded, refusing to look at them. Slowly others, all dressed in peculiar outfits, joined it. One in a paisley suit, another dressed like an Elizabethan lady, an Indian, a 1900's black and white movie villain, complete with moustache and stovepipe hat, and the last in a sequined evening gown. The Sprites hopped down, grinning. 
    
                        'Maaaaaaaate!' They bellowed together, hands extended like claws. 'Squirrel grip!' They took off towards the downcast creatures, rendering them totally helpless by their greeting.
    
                        'Come on!' Hoggle cried, running hand in hand with Sarah, as the Firey's struggled to get to their feet. The Sprites skittered after them, the forest echoed with their odd chattering laugh.
    
                        They ran until a high wall blocked their path.
    
                        'Oh no.' Sarah moaned. They looked back along the path they had taken. There were no other routes.
    
    Suddenly, some music filtered through the air. The tune was strangely familiar, yet, not distinguishable yet. The music became louder, and slowly words began to form in a strangely Liverpoolian accent.
    
                        ♪♫ ♪ **'The Magical Mystery tour is coming to take you away…coming to take you away…take you away…' ♫ ♪♫**
    
                        Suddenly a bus burst through the trees, music seeming to blare from its very presence. The bus roared past them. Four men with strange, fringed haircuts waved to them from the window. The Sprites waved enthusiastically back. Hoggle and Sarah just stared.
    
                        'Hey wow! The path is free again!' Fizzy Cream crowed. They looked ahead, and lo, she was right. The wall had disappeared, and now a stone path lead to a deep chasm, spanned by a rickety bridge. At the end of the bridge, another one of the rope's they had encountered hung from mid air. With a gleeful yelp, the two Sprites scampered onto the bridge, tails swishing.
    
                        Hoggle made a strangled sound, and made after them, pausing at his fifth stride, realizing what he was doing, and how awfully the bridge creaked. He swallowed hard, and slowly crept further, carefully. Sarah alighted behind him, stepping slowly.
    
                        'Cinnamon doughnut!!' The cry was loud enough to dislodge several pebbles from the side of the chasm, sending them rattling towards the floor, several miles below.
    
                        They all looked up to the one who had given the cry. Jareth stood, sticking out from the wall at a right angle; his hair was done suspiciously like Elvis, and he wore a rubber duck strapped to his torso.
    
                        'Ah- Your Majesty' Hoggle cried in a shuddering voice.
    
                        'Daddoo!' The Sprites howled gleefully, scampering around in circles, singing the word over and over again.
    
                        'Ah! I see you are more then just a pineapple string!' The King announced, hands on hips. 'And thy inches are like pewter on a glass veranda. I shall not poke!' He announced this last proclamation like a clap of doom. If it hadn't been pure gibberish, the company would be shuddering. Well, two were at least. The Sprites convulsed in laughter.
    
                        'I see it all now, for I am blind as a peacock. You are trying to wash my undefended finance! What shall I do with such kindred horoscopes? Maybe the tar of glib and liable red heads? No! I know! Once you have seen the end of the wooden sweater, you will meet things that resemble busts of kindergarten makeup! Begone!' With that, he disappeared again.
    
                        They all almost ran for the other side of the bridge. Sarah grabbed the rope.
    
                        'I don't care what you say Hoggle, we got further by climbing the other rope last time!' She put her weight on the rope. A loud snort sounded, and the flagstone underneath them opened up, sending them tumbling down a tunnel. Sarah and Hoggle screamed, the Sprites whooped with glee.
    
                        They landed into a vat of water, with chopped carrots floating in it.
    
                        'What is this?' Sarah whined. She seemed to do that a lot. 
    
                        Hoggle paddled desperately toward the side, then jerked back with an oath. Looming above was a giant cannibal, licking his lips. They looked around, and noted that they were surrounded.
    
                        'This is not good.' Fizzy Cream noted in a dry understatement. Suddenly, another cannibal pushed his way in, wearing a huge feather hat.
    
                        'Flotsam?' He asked. The cannibals around the pot cheered, and formed a conga line. The pot began to drain as the cannibals danced away, and the four were sucked down the plughole in the bottom.


	5. Bottom paint

**Bottom Paint**
    
    ****
    
    When they woke up, they were sopping wet. The air around them smelled mouth wateringly nice. They slowly sat up, with moans about certain pains, and, just as slowly looked around. A bog extended far, it's surface shifting hues, shimmering like a rainbow.
    
                        'What is that delicious smell?' Sarah asked, sniffing the air luxuriantly.
    
                        Hoggle looked across the bog, eyes wary. 'It's the Bog of Eternal Stench.' Sarah stared at him, eyes disbelievingly wide. Her head jerked back to the bog.
    
                        'No- it can't be- it smells like- like-'
    
                        'Hot Jam doughnuts!' Fizzy Cream yelled, leaping up. Sour Peppercorn shook off the water like a dog.
    
                        'Hot Jam doughnuts. Yes! That's it. The bog smelled foul last time. Is it Jareth again?' She asked. Abruptly, the smell shifted, to something awful.
    
                        'Urg! Burning tyres!' Hoggle gagged, 'Yes, the King, the castle is very close now.'
    
                        They hurried past the bog, it's scents shifting from baby powder to seaweed, to curry then burnt plastic, ink then roast beef. Presently, a voice drifted from the bog, singing...
    
                        ♪♫ ♪ **'… It's the terror of knowing what this World is about; watching some good friends scream 'Let me out!' But tomorrow, takes me higher, pressure on people, people on streets…'♫ ♪♫**
    
                        They rounded a bend, and then they saw the Goblin king again. He was sitting in the bog, wearing a shower cap, and held a scrubbing brush. His upper torso and knees were visible above the bog. He was also naked.
    
    He glanced at them, and did a double take.
    
                        'I must hide before these lemon fried door fiends see me!' He seemed oblivious to the fact he stated this aloud, and also to the fact that they all stared openly at him. He dived head first into the bog, leaving a pale, British bottom peeking above the surface. Sarah averted her eyes, blushing. Hoggle looked as if he wished he were anywhere else but there, but the Sprites snickered and pointed.
    
                        'Blue or white?' Fizzy Cream asked with a grin, staring at the bottom.
    
                        'I'd say a unique combination of the two.' Sour Peppercorn answered, with a bubbling laugh. 
    
                        'No, I think it's more a delicate cream than blue'
    
                        Suddenly they faced each other, glaring balefully. 
    
                        'Delicate cream!'
    
                        'Unique combination!'
    
                        'Delicate cream!'
    
                        'Unique combination!'
    
                        'Delicate cream!'
    
                        'Unique combination!'
    
        'Delicate cream!'
    
                        'Unique combination!'
    
                        'Delicate cream!'
    
                        'Unique combination!'
    
                        'Delicate cream!'
    
                        'Unique combination!' 
    
                        'Delicate cream!'
    
                        'Unique combination!'
    
                        This debate continued until Fizzy Cream was hit on the head with a folded piece of paper.  She unfolded it and looked closely at the still-exposed buttocks of the Goblin King.  As she was doing this, the others noticed more and more of these were raining down hard around them.
    
                        Sour Peppercorn reached over near Hoggle, who took the automatic precaution of covering his crotch with his hands, but instead of squirrel gripping him, she grabbed another folded piece of paper lying near his shoe.  She then unfolded it and they both wandered across the surface of the bog, defying gravity, to their all-powerful ruler's prone posterior.
    
                        Fizzy Cream turned to Hoggle and Sarah, waving the paper, 'Look! Paint charts!  Now we can find out what colour Jareth's bottom is!'
    
                        The two sprites, now consumed by an urge to find the right shade of Jareth's rear, started poring over the charts enthusiastically while Hoggle and Sarah just looked at each other and shrugged.
    
                        'No, it's not Turquoise Mist. ' Fizzy Cream said indignantly.  'Too dark.  Needs to have more of a glow about it.'
    
                        'What about Fairy Song?' suggested Sour Peppercorn.  'Actually, no, it's too glossy.  The shine has to come from inside the colour,'
    
                        'How about May Meddows?' 
    
                        'No, too flamboyant'
    
                        'I've got it!' Sour Peppercorn exclaimed.  She pointed with a gleeful grin to a colour in the corner of the chart. 'Autumnal Essex Moon!' Just the right luminescence, and it's washable too'
    
                        Hoggle made a disgusted grunt, grabbed the two mollified sprites, and dragged them towards the dump surrounding the castle.   


	6. Eyeshaving

**Eye Shaving**
    
    ****
    
    The tip spread before them as usual, but it wasn't the tip that caught the eyes of the four travelers. The castle reared before them, behind the heavily armed walls of the goblin city. The castle its self was painted garishly. One tower pink, the other yellow, another orange, and another a colour that not even the paint chart that they had taken with them had even remotely a name for. Dots and plaid were much in evidence, and one tower actually danced, while another made a high-pitched wailing sound at regular intervals. The walls themselves also bore an eye-stabbing coat of fluorescent paint, and the guard towers continually rotated, their roofs flying upwards every time the tower wailed.
    
                        'Oh my God.' Sarah whispered. Hoggle looked at his shoes, but the Sprites stared in open-mouthed reverence.
    
                        'It's the ultimate monument to insanity, sister!' Fizzy Cream hissed delightedly. Sour Peppercorn didn't take her eyes off the disturbing structure.  At once both of them got on their hands and knees and started salaaming the castle as if it was the holiest of holy relics.
    
                        'Too right, sister. If we get a palace one day…' She left it hanging.
    
                        Sarah suddenly stepped forward. 'Well we're not getting closer like this. She said, primly. They all made for the castle across the wasted intervening space.
    
                        The Guard keepers, in their armor, almost ran to the company.
    
                        'Hoggle!' They cried, 'Did you get the help you were sent for?' They seemed desperate. Hoggle nodded, and brought the two Sprites forward. The guards drew back slightly, eyes wild.
    
                        'If anyone knows about insanity, it's these two.' They eyed the guard's armor reproachfully, glaring at the cuirass and the codpiece.
    
                        'Ah yes, yes, better be on your way then…' A guard said, a bit too quick, shunting them through the gate.
    
                        The Goblin city was in chaos. Washing baskets chased old washerwomen down the street, laughing insanely. Houses, leapt into the air for no apparent reason. A goblin covered in breadcrumbs came running from the house, shrieking. A chicken did some miming; a ring of statues did the hokey pokey. It was madness. 
    
                        Sour Peppercorn made a chirp of delight.
    
                        'Its like heaven!' she said, delighted. Fizzy Cream nodded furiously in agreement. Sarah and Hoggle looked less then impressed.
    
                        'It's gotten worse…' Hoggle moaned.
    
                        They ran through the city, avoiding flying pork chops and underwear that flew from a window with a mind of its own.
    
                        Finally, they approached the gates to the castle. The Guards inside took one look at them, and ran screaming into the palace. A deep toned bell sounded.
    
                        'The Sprites! The Sprites!' Somebody screamed from atop a parapet. There was a lot of clamoring going on. Loud metallic clanging could be heard. With a shrug, they walked in.
    
                        Soon, the reason for the confusion that had met them at the gate became quite clear.
    
                        As soon as the Sprites saw one of the inhabitants, they ran towards him, hands extended like claws.
    
                        'Maaaaaaaaaaate!! Squirrel grip!' They grabbed his groin, and a loud 'clang' sounded. They drew their hands back, eyes dangerous. 'Nipple cripple!' They screamed in unison. But another clang.
    
                        'He's wearing guards.' Sour Peppercorn snarled.
    
                        'What shall we do?' Fizzy Cream replied. They looked at each other, and pulled a large bag from the air, and sat a cauldron beside.
    
                        'Boiling Tar?' Sour Peppercorn ordered.
    
                        'Tar' Fizzy Cream handed it to her. She poured it into the cauldron.
    
                        'Salt?'
    
                        'Salt.'
    
                        'Vinegar?'
    
                        'Vinegar'
    
                        'Soap?'
    
                        'Soap.'
    
                        'Good.' She mixed the wicked brew.
    
                        'What is that stuff?' Sarah whined. Fizzy Cream took a huge cut-throat razor from the bag.
    
        'Why, it's eye shaving cream.' Sour Peppercorn grabbed the victim, and opened his eyes wide. 'It'll only sting for a little while…' Hoggle grabbed them both by the tails, and pulled them away, allowing the petrified goblin time to escape.
    
                        'We've got to see the King first! Come on! The throne room!' he vaulted up the stairs, the by then two very vengeful sprites glared at the guards and mimicked sticking a finger into their ear, then vaulted up the stairs after Hoggle.


	7. Mighty conclusion!

**Mighty Conclusion**

They pushed open the doorway to the throne room and stared at what they saw. The sprites were clinging to each other in joyous disbelief, letting out occasional squeals of pleasure.  Sarah looked almost about to cry, and Hoggle was shaking his head. The room was completely mad. The actual throne had turned into a tissue box, which sneezed periodically, the floor was covered in orange grass and the furniture patrolled the room like baboons. 

In the middle of it all sat Jareth, combing a square of blue shagpile carpet that was stuck to the wall, making a distinct clicking sound. 

'DADDY!' The spites greeted him, scampering up to him and rubbing against his leg like kittens. Jareth fell backwards and peddled his legs in the air.

The sprites looked at each other with a wicked grin.   
'Water pillow' Fizzy Cream yelled at Jareth.

Jareth immediately leapt to his feet and attempted to eat his foot. 

'Raccoon!' Sour Peppercorn yelled.

Jareth pulled a shower curtain from his pocket, placed it on his head and bounded around the room chanting random phone numbers.

Sarah and Hoggle watched, horrified. Sarah glanced at the sprites, which had seated themselves on the floor with a large bucket of popcorn between them, as if watching a movie.

'Fried starfish tumor!' Fizzy Cream roared, shoving a handful of popcorn in her mouth. Jareth reached down and pulled his tights over his head and babbled gibberish. Hoggle cringed. Sarah looked to the sprites.

'Don't! You're terrible!' She howled. 

The sprites ignored her.  A goblin ventured closer to them.

'C..c…can he still turn into an owl?' he asked the sprites. 

On hearing this, Jareth ran around flapping his arms shouting 'whoo' at the top of his lungs before leaping out the window. The sprites dashed forward grabbing their King by the ankles they dragged him back though the windows. 

'Perhaps, this isn't such a good thing.' Sour Peppercorn told Fizzy Cream. 

'To the operating table!' Fizzy Cream declared. Hoggle and the goblin helped them strap Jareth to the table.

'I think this is how a few fan fictions start.' Sour Peppercorn joked to her sister. 'Except I don't think Father dearest is wearing as much clothing as he is now' 

'Although he does look quite fetching dressed in that purple jumpsuit and matching pram' 

At the word 'fan fiction' Jareth went into a rage, fighting against his bonds. The sprites looked at each other.

'Bingo!' they said.

'Bingo?' Sarah asked.

'Jareth is driven mad by the 'F' word.' Sour Peppercorn explained. 

'F word? Oh! F word! How did you find out? I thought you said fan-fiction…' Sarah asked again. Jareth began struggling again, snorting in between, and blowing random raspberries.

                'NO, you idiot! Fan fiction IS the F word!' Fizzy Cream grated. Sarah widened her eyes knowingly. 

                'But, fan fic… the F word? How?'

                'That's what we gotta find out!' Sour Peppercorn declared, donning a Sherlock Holmes outfit.

The sprites looked around the room, a computer caught their eye and they pointed.

'Ah ha! First clue….' They shot up the computer and desk. Fizzy Cream opened attempted to open a draw, and failed, due to her diminutive size.

'Gimme a hand here, Moron…' She asked Sarah. The witless human opened the draw.

'Ah ha!' Sour Peppercorn elated, taking out a page and reading it aloud…

**_Love's night breath _**__

 By Fluffy Snuggle bunny

I know he's coming to meet me.

Jareth, King of the Goblins, has fallen in love with me, and is coming tonight to bequeath his undying love… And why wouldn't he? I'm so beautiful, with locks of gold and sparkling blue eyes like the sea, and I have a beautiful figure, and I have lovely skin of pale, and I'm so pretty and I have rose like lips and I have… 

'EW!' Fizzy Cream cut in. 'That's so… up herself…'

Her sister dropped the fan fiction like it was a snake. 'It gets worse.' She warned, burrowing in some more, and dragging out a new story.

_Sweet Kisses_

By Mystic Mistress

'Are you there my love?' He asked. I got up, totally naked.

'Yes my sweetest of candy-like Kings…' I answered in a sultry voice.

He slowly took off his skintight leather trousers with the butt cheeks cut out. 

'I've been a bad boy….' He said…

'STOP!' Fizzy Cream begged, going a fine shade of Wooded Spring plain (Discovering this after a momentary pause to look it up on the paint chart) 'How could they? He… He looks like David Bowie!' She gagged. 'I can't believe these people's sex life is constrained to a fan fiction, that's less than pathetic!'

'It's not over yet, dear sister….' Sour Peppercorn warned, dragging out yet another of the dreaded fan fictions.

_Jareth in trouble_

By Sorceress Daydream

Jareth's in trouble, and only **_I _**can save him. He is having trouble getting people into his Labyrinth, after his disastrous escapade to kidnap Sarah, so, he came to me of course. 

'Please help me!' He begged, looking pathetic on his hands and knees. I smiled. 

'Maybe' I answered. 

'Please! My powers are NOTHING compared to yours! I am NOTHING compared to you! Help me!'….

'Nonononono!' Fizzy Cream blocked her ears. 'Stooooop!'

Sour Peppercorn dropped the page and grabbed a new one. 'I hear you sister… No one is more powerful then Daddy here! He can rearrange time you know!' There was a note of pride in her voice. Sarah looked confused.

'But aren't you hinting that you are, by helping him now?'

'Oh- Gosh no!' Fizzy Cream looked surprised. 'He's much better at manipulating minds. He created us because he's always too busy to do his insane driving duties.'

'Then why can't he fix himself?' She asked. The sisters looked at each other, and sighed.

'Because…' Sour Peppercorn explained, slowly, 'When you're insane, you don't know it. Look, lets see if I can explain…. What's normal?'

'I suppose, reading, and helping people, and being nice, and… all that stuff…' She said, unsure.

'No, That's normal for YOU. For us, it's driving people mad, squirrel grip greetings, eating kippers on toast…'

'Kippers on toast! Ewwww!' Sarah grimaced. Sour Peppercorn nodded. 

'See! That sounds insane to you, but is totally normal to us. What we're here to do, is straighten out his mind enough for him to realize what's happened.' She cleared her throat and began to read the paper that had lain forgotten in her hand for several minutes.

_Realization_

By Truehearted Tinker bell

He knew he was wrong. The realization had come slowly to him, and had been torture for months after, and years more.

Oh why had he let Sarah go? She was so lovely, and pretty. He had loved her so completely that all other thoughts had fled from his mind….

                'Fled from _his _mind? Where'd they get that? More like there own minds!' Sour Peppercorn added, letting the page fall.

'Enough of this diatribe… uh- dialogue, I mean, we now know the cause, and what to look for, so it's time to operate!' Fizzy Cream declared. Sour Peppercorn nodded, and handed her sister a gas welder and a welding mask, lighting it with a grasshopper, while she pulled out a ride-on lawn mower and a large chainsaw.

'What are you doing?' Screeched Sarah. 

'Trust us.' They chirped, before shrinking in size and disappearing into Jareth's head. The time they were gone stretched out like hours, but when they emerged they grinned and loosened Jareth's bonds. 

Jareth sat up, and with a gesture of his hand, returned the palace and indeed the whole Labyrinth back to normal, and changed his delightful outfit for something more appropriate. 

'Girls, how lovely to see you,' he said, by way of greeting. He looked around. 'Hogwart….. And YOU!' He said angrily, glaring at Sarah. She almost could cry, the look of anger in his eyes frightened her. Sour Peppercorn climbed up onto Sarah's shoulder and leaned into her ear, withdrawing her head suddenly.

                'Eww.' She stated, before grabbing her sister and shoving her head into Sarah's brain. 

'Do you hear that thought?' Sour Peppercorn asked her sister.

'There's no thoughts in here…watch, I'll demonstrate.'  Fizzy Cream pulled Sarah's ear open as far as it could go, and then conjured a megaphone out of thin air, pointed it into the ear of Sarah and yelled 'Gooseberry Turtle Pot!' A distinct echo of the words that she had yelled echoed around the room several times.  Realizing that the megaphone had become stuck, Fizzy Cream stuck a finger into her ear to retrieve it and pulled away in disgust.

'No! Listen harder, the voice in the back. Waaaay back!' Fizzy Cream frowned, and listened hard for a few minutes…

'EWWW! Daddy, you have to hear that…' Sour Peppercorn told the King, trying not to gag. 

'I know about it. I am the King you remember.' He replied. The sprites looked as if they had indeed forgotten, but then giggled. Fizzy Cream flattened her hair and widened her eyes again, 

'Though dangers untold and hardships unnumbered…Oh Jareth I love you.' She whimpered before both broke into gales of laughter.

The throne room doors were opened and Toby walked though the door.

'Hello.' He said, sounding slightly confused, he spotted Hoggle. 'Hi Hoggle.'  
Hoggle studied the ground, 'Hi Toby.' 

The sprites looked up at Hoggle and Toby, and then looked questioningly to the King, who nodded, sending both the sprites into gales of laughter. 

'Well, I suppose, in human terms, Hoggle is about six…' Fizzy Cream rationalized to her sister. 

Sarah frowned. 'What's going on?'

                'A child's fondness is blooming before her and she can't even see it.' Sour Peppercorn said shaking her head, smiling as Toby handed a flower to Hoggle, who blushed a bright crimson. 

Realization struck Sarah. 'You mean…. they… NO!' She cried.

Fizzy stormed up to her. 'There's nothing wrong with that. It's just like two prep kids holding hands…nothing will come of it…. At least for another say, ten years… after that… Who knows?' She threw up her hands and shrugged.

Sarah looked longingly at Jareth, who glared at her with disdain.

'Much like us, Sarah.' He told her.

'But…you loved me.' She said, sounding weak and pathetic. 

'HE TRIED TO KILL YOU, MORON!!!  REPEATEDLY!!!!' The sprites yelled at her. Sarah looked stricken.

                'When?!' She demanded. The Sprites rolled their eyes.

                'Lessee, the Cleaner, the drop to the bog, the bridge breaking, the fall from the crystal… oh you do know the ball was an illusion? Daddoo wasn't even aware that you had broken out… and the big Armour thing, the war in the goblin city…. Do we need to go on?' They glared at her. Sarah looked miserable.  

Jareth turned to Toby and Hoggle. 

'You are welcome to join my staff, I am told our kitchen needs a new goblin.'

                Toby nodded enthusiastically, transforming into a goblin even as he agreed. Hoggle and Toby left the room, hand in hand, on promises that the kitchen would never have been cleaner. Jareth turned to the two sprites.

'And how does court jesters sound…in addition to your current jobs?' His mouth twisted into a smile as the sprites beamed at him. 

'In fact, I think I could use a little laugh right about now.' Jareth said, eyeing the sullen Sarah with a wicked glint in his eye. The sprites turned on the girl, grinning mischievously. 

'RELFEX!' 

'NIPPLE CRIPPLE!' 

TheEnd


End file.
